There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
