I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
