At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
