I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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