I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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