my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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