if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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