I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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