I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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