every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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