I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize