girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
