I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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