I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
