well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I didn't notice because vodka
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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