He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
