I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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