the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
