I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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