there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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