Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
