His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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