This house was built for laser tag.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize