Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
