Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
