We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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