He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
