3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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