So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
