Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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