Me. At least after what I've been through.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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