i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
