Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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