Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
