it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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