There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize