When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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