some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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