i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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