So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
