the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize