YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
