My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
