I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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