there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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