oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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