I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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