The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
even my farts smell like vagina
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
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