too bad you live with your parents still
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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