Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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