Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize