Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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