i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
