She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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