I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
