I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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