I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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