My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
