new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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