her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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