sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
