Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
being pregnant is like rehab
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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