I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Less talking, more tequila
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
