She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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